New Blog!

ATTENTION!!! Friends I have moved my blog to a new location and I'm so excited about it:) Go check it out at:

teamkoning.com

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Yes, we'll still be adopting...

I think mostly people are afraid to ask, but there are a few who do. It goes something like, "I know you're going through a lot and I'm not sure if you've even thought about it, but are you guys going to try to adopt again?" I have three really simple words to tell you, YES WE ARE! What I want to say is "OF COURSE WE ARE!!!" Just because our hearts have been broken with Olaf doesn't change the statistics (which are now 3 years old) that there are over 100,000 children in foster care in CA alone. Sit with that for a minute. We don't call them orphans anymore, but over 100,000 children are without a forever home.  Additionally, our pain doesn't change the fact that the bible talks about caring for widows and orphans multiple times (our personal favorite being James 1:27, look it up:).  And lastly, maybe most importantly, it doesn't change the fact that we were called to this. I get that you don't all understand that, which is fine, just trust me on this one.

We were never promised it would be easy, we were never told to give up when it was tough, we're going to keep forging ahead and we can't wait to continue to grow our family.  Now, don't get me wrong, we're grieving right now and we're not ready TODAY for another child, but make no mistake, we're jumping back into this whole adoption thing.

If you have an opinion on this, keep it to yourself.  Quite frankly, we don't totally want to hear it. Our response would probably be something you wouldn't like, yeah...look out, mama is getting fiesty:)

Happy Weekend.

Party Info

We created an e-vite for Olaf's goodbye party...RSVP if you're able so we have an idea of how many people to expect, thank you for the love and support!

http://evite.me/sf79srQwKv

A Good Goodbye

The time has come sweet friends and family...we have an official time frame that our sweet Olaf will no longer be living with us (in about a month).  Oh my how it hurts my heart to say this!  Having a date is bittersweet, I mean the end is inevitable and most of me wishes it happens sooner rather than later for the sake of everyone involved, but boy is it scary to think of going back to a family of 4.

It feels like each day is a battle, every day I'm making phone calls to doctor's offices, social workers, social worker's supervisors, make-a-wish, the list goes on and on.  I'm drained, I'm tired, and I'm losing my battles.  Losing so much that I begin to wonder why I'm fighting certain ones in the first place.

I recognize that this loss will be felt by our community, our family, our friends,  our friend's friends and there is a part of Andy and I that feel responsible for this loss (yeah yeah, we need to see therapists...).  We are all going to miss this sweet faced little girl.  Her smile can light up a room, her laughter is contagious, and her heart is as sweet as one can be.  For those out there that are feeling this loss, we want you to know we're grieving with you, we love you, and we appreciate you.  We're not totally sure what our grief is going to look like because right now we're not focused on it, but let's all grieve together and support one another.

As I tell people the news, I am met with two types of reactions.  One is anger followed by a myriad of questions about fighting it and statements like "this isn't fair."  If you're in this category, I agree, it's not fair to me, it's not fair to my family, my community, and most importantly, not fair to Olaf (and for the record what I'm referring to here is the whole entire situation, everything that has/has not happened in the past year, not only the fact that she's going back to bio mom).  With that being said, know that we have fought the battles we could fight, we've tried our very best to tell people about the unfairness of what has happened, but to no avail.  So it's time we put it all behind us, accept it, and move on.  The second type of reaction I get as people find out is pure sadness, tears even.  It's happened a few times just in the last week and to you I say thank you.  Thank you for loving Olaf enough to cry when you find out she will be leaving (I know not all of you are cryers and that's fine, I don't expect everyone to cry, I'm just sayin).  Know that both Andy and I are feeling very emotional about the whole thing too and so we might not be able to comfort you the way you need at the time of your grief but know that we love you and appreciate you.

So...our lives, on top of just living life, look like trying to figure out how to have a "good goodbye".  The child therapist that I've been in touch with says this is the most important part (no pressure at all;)    Right now, we're planning a really big goodbye celebration/party.  Everyone will be invited and it will be a huge party (probably bring your own dinner type celebration because of where we're at in life;)  We'll let everyone know when it will be, we're waiting to see how court goes next week but the more the merrier.  We're also planning on making her a photo book of all of the memories and fun times we've had as a family and with friends this past year.  Lastly, we were thinking of letting each girl make a "build a bear" as their "olaf" stuffed animal so that when they miss her, they can go squeeze their bear.  This is where you as the reader come in...any other thoughts?  Do those sound like good ideas/bad ideas?  We're very open to possibilities...

I don't want Olaf to go back.  I hate that this has happened to my family.  But the reality is, it has.  So let's unite in supporting not only one-another as we all grieve this loss differently, but more importantly let's pray for Olaf's bio-Mom.  Let's pray that she stays clean, that she can give Olaf what she needs, that she figures out a way to get her to Doctor's appointments, and that she doesn't go back to old habits.  And most importantly, let's pray for Olaf.  She will have lived with us a minimum of 14months by the time "the goodbye" happens.  She will be confused, scared, happy, and sad.  Pray for her little heart, pray that she will know we all love her.

Avoidance

So I've been avoiding this place...partly because I keep waiting to have good news to write about and partly because people get tired of the hard stuff.  Here's my reality, right now, things are still hard and sad and shitty.  This past week in particular was a doozie.  So if you want really happy uplifting stuff, just stop reading and check in later, eventually, it will come.  It has to come.  For now, I'm going to be real with where we're at.

The foster care system is f***ed up.  It is so very broken.  Maybe the hardest part for me is I have no idea how to make it any better, I don't think it's possible that it could be better (okay okay, all things are possible...)  CPS is so focused on these statistics that children are better off with their bio family hands down, no questions asked.  Well I have questions people!  Where are said statistics?  How long ago was this survey done?  What was the sample size?  Because I love contradicted myself right now (I've become bipolar remember?) one thing I've learned is that there is something to be said about the connection that Olaf and her bio Mom have.  It's been over a year that she's been in our home and she would still choose her hands down any day over us.  Yes, it stings.  Yes, it's silly that a 3year old can hurt my feelings.  Yes, I'll get over it.

So many inappropriate things have happened during visits and CPS just doesn't care.  And the thing is, were not the exception to the rule!  I've gotten to know a lot of people throughout this process that I'm so grateful for because they're people that have either gone through what we're going through or are currently in it with us.  Each of us has a super unique story but they all have similarities...bio parent got a free crib, bio parent got a free carseat, bio parent needed a diaper bag and diapers and clothes etc. etc. etc. and CPS got it for them!!!  When does this become enabling?  At what point do bio parents need to get a job and start paying for things like I have to do?  Okay...maybe that was too far, it's just so soon...If someone out there has some answers I'm all ears:)

Our little, specifically, is a complete disaster since the long visits started a few weeks ago.  She has 100% regressed to the little girl that she was when we got her last August.  Fits that last forever, screaming at bedtime, "owieeee" being used as a way to get attention, the list goes on and on.  All of these habits we worked so hard to overcome over the past year, back like they were never gone.  The poor thing isn't able to verbalize it but she's got to be so confused.  With all this time with her bio mom also comes memories with her and a lot more discussion about her.  I think she says "I can't wait to go live with my other Mommy" on the daily.  The poor thing, she just has no idea.

The thing is, Andy and I are trying to get over ourselves.  This is so hard and tricky and ugly and we want to just shun bio mom because of all of her bad decisions and the attitude we get from her.  Instead, we're trying (ha, key word trying, that means we still suck at it) to be civil with her and maybe even eventually, have a good relationship.  Because in the long run, that is what's best for Olaf.  Our relationship has taken a lot of turns and ups and downs, unfortunately it's been down for a while now but I hope and pray that we can turn it around.  For the sake of our bio kids, for the sake of Olaf, and in the name of Love.  Because as we all know,  LOVE WINS.

That was scattered...my life is scattered, #dealwithit

Can't wait to have something to write about like we're selling everything we have and moving to the beach in Florida..stay tuned, I'll try not to be so distant:)

Hug a Mom

Guys...last week I had my 2nd most horrific parenting moment in public (my first one is a good story, if you haven't heard it ask me about it, it involved Avery as a 5 week old, a long airplane ride to washington, and a stranger lactating because of my child's cries:).  But last week, that dat was bad.  As mentioned before my husband and I were out of town for 5 nights and the kiddos stayed with my mother-in-law (maybe the best gift she's ever given me, thank you thank you, thank you Kathy!!!)  She mentioned some various outbursts and bad behavior that occurred and we figured that there would be some behavioral issues because we'd been gone for so long.  Knowing all of this, I still had to go out to the grocery store with all 3 kids as Andy was at a meeting.  I went into the situation pretty optimisitcally (cough cough maybe arrogantly)...I've been taking 3 kids out with me for 11 months now, I've got this!

The girls really wanted to use the cart with the car attached to it so I grabbed one from outside and let the littles hop in as I wheeled them inside.  Now I am a good mom (every now and again) so I felt the seat with my hand before letting the littles climb in and it was hot, but not like burn their bums hot, just a little uncomfortable hot.  Myla changed her mind before even getting in and Olaf got in and started screaming, flailing, yelling, etc. as I walked into the store.  As the automatic door closed behind me and I felt the flow of air conditioning cool me down I also felt my face turn beat red as I realized this trip was not going to be ideal.  I tried talking to Olaf, pulling her skirt down more so she didn't feel the heat, etc. etc. etc. and nothing worked.  Now this is where you have a choice as a Mom, do you just abandon the cart and drag all 3 kiddos back outside to the 100degree weather to deal with Olaf privately or do you deal with it right then and there?  In the heat (literally) of the moment I decided I was going to do it right then and there, because that, to me at the time, felt like she wasn't winning.  So, when she wouldn't stop flailing/screaming I found a nice little corner in the floral section, I sat her down facing a box, and told her she would stay in time-out until she was done screaming and her 3 minute timer went off (just like I would do at home).  I placed my body, back to her back, standing facing away so that she wouldn't get out of time out and that other people would know from seeing me that someone is with this screaming child.  

Now this situation would be embarrassing regardless, nobody likes having a child throw a fit, let alone in public.  But, I'm pretty convinced that because she doesn't look like me, a higher alarm was raised.  The concern on people's faces is exponential because they're thinking who is this poor black child in the corner screaming and what is that white woman doing just standing with her back towards her?  Should I insert here that I had two other (white) children with me and one was in an identical outfit??? Same haircut, same shirt, same skirt, exact same shoes, literally the same thing, clearly we're together.  But still, I heard, "What's happening to her?", had multiple people coming up to me with the most concerned look on their faces and before letting them speak I would say, "she's mine, she's in time out".  What I wanted to do was yell "STOP JUDGING ME!!!  She may not look like me but she's my child, she's 3 years old, and she's throwing a fit so step off!!!"

I accidentally said out loud, almost in tears, "this is so embarrassing" to which Avery and Myla then continued to repeat (man kids are sharp!).  To make the situation better, I asked Aves to grab some grapes that were probably 15 feet away from where I was standing (still touching my legs to Olaf's back).  Of course since Avery did it, Myla wanted to as well.  To my horror, the bags were all open so when Myla grabbed her bag, she (obviously) immediately flipped it upside down on accident and every last grape spilled out of the bag.  I'm now standing there with a screaming child behind me, a 6 year old carrying grapes and throwing them into the cart, and a 3 year  old standing over a pile of spilled grapes on the floor #awesome.  I made the game day decision to leave Olaf screaming while I go over to profusely apologize to the staff that had now surrounded Myla and to say, yes, she's mine, yes, so is the other one (still in the matching outfit), and yes, so is the third.  I swooped in, cleaned up the grapes despite the fact that the young man was there with a broom to clean up as well promising the manager who had shown up (you know, cause there was a kid screaming incessantly in the floral department) that I would in fact not only pick the grapes up but I would also pay for them.  Oh, and that kid over there screaming?  She's on time out....yeah.  They eventually got the grapes out of my mortified hands, and did not allow me to pay for them.  Olaf stopped screaming after twenty minutes (okay okay okay if felt like 20 minutes but it was really 6.5 minutes) and we went on to do our grocery shopping.  The rest of the trip went better, only one person called Avery a boy (before giving her a knuckle sandwich on her head, I'll forgive him because he was an old man) and multiple people saying, "wow you have your hands full".  Thanks everyone, thanks.

Next time you see someone in a similar situation, go give the mom a hug, a high five, tell her she's doing great, ask if you can help in any way, don't just stare.  She's already mortified enough.  Actually, the next time you see a Mom of young children in general, just give her a hug, chances are, she needs it, STAT.